I've never actually engaged in disordered eating behavior, but that doesn't mean that my mind has never flirted with the idea. I've been known to think about ways I could severely restrict food and speed up my weight loss, even though in the smart part of my brain I know that's not how it really works. I would make a plan like, OK, tomorrow, I'm just going to eat this little bit and that's IT. Or, tomorrow, I'm not going to eat all day, and then just have a little dinner.
Then I would forget all about it and never do it. Which is obviously for the best.
Yesterday afternoon, I found myself thinking this way again. With as much knowledge as I have gleaned about how metabolism works and knowing that I don't want to completely shut mine down, I think, well maybe if I just really didn't eat hardly anything, eventually I would HAVE to lose weight.
I know it's messed up and while I wish I could just be this pillar of strength and right thinking all the time, this stall in my weight loss has really, REALLY got me down. I don't want to be skinny, I just want to be normal. And not even normal on the BMI, but normal for me (which is still well into "overweight" for BMI, but I don't believe in BMI). I want to feel comfortable in my own skin and not feel like a sausage in my jeans (that were kind of loose at one point!). I want to look at pictures of myself again and not cringe.
I've talked with 2 medical professionals about this in the past couple of weeks, not as my main reason for seeing them, but as a side note. I got my thyroid checked and that's not the problem. Both of them asked if I want to see a nutritionist.
First, I know the nutritionist will spout the standard low-fat, whole grains things, which I don't believe in anyway. The only time I've managed to lose weight over the past couple of years is when I've limited carbs. Plus, I just feel better without all the carbs. On Friday I went to a work lunch and the ONLY thing they had was sandwiches. Not even a side salad. I ate some of a roll, but pulled the meat out of the rest of it. Just that part of a roll had me completely falling asleep at my desk a little while later. I haven't experienced the mid-afternoon crash like that in ages.
Second, I just have to laugh because nutrition has kind of become my hobby and I've read all different viewpoints ad nauseum. Maybe they don't believe me because to them I am just this overweight (nay, obese, says the almighty BMI) girl and so I OBVIOUSLY don't know what I'm doing at all.
Third, I record my food and my exercise pretty religiously because I like numbers. I've been doing this fairly consistently for a few years now. I know how many calories I eat. I know how many calories I expend. So do Sparkpeople and Fitbit. That's not the problem.
When I told Jason that my thyroid was normal he said "Well, that's good." Yeah, it's good I don't have a medical problem. But it just means that right now I don't have an answer either.