I'm taking another day off of work today because as long as I'm sitting down, I'm ok, but I start feeling very woozy when I stand up and I didn't want to try to navigate the bus and the office feeling like this. The good news is, today I don't feel the need to sleep all day and I can actually concentrate enough to do some work. Yesterday was a lost day.
Speaking of lost days... On Sunday, Jason and I went over to the home of some friends of mine for a visit. They are in Virginia temporarily, preparing for a move to India, so while we were visiting one set of friends, I figured I should try to see this other set, since who knows when I'll have the chance to see them again. We spent a lot of time reminiscing about people we knew and things we did when we all lived in Chicago.
Only here's the thing - I don't remember a lot of it. Those 3 years in Chicago are a haze in large part. I remember some things, but other things are just a blank.
Same goes for the first year and a half of law school.
Midway through my 2nd year of law school, I started taking anti-depressants, and my world changed. Almost 2 weeks to the day after I started taking the pills, a switch clicked on in my brain and suddenly I was all there again. There's really no way to express how huge of a shift this was. After probably 5 years of living in a haze, the fog lifted. I understood what was going on. I actually felt happy. I was able to move on from a bad relationship.
I know that in large part Jason doesn't understand depression. I think he sees anti-depressants as a crutch, or, at best, a placebo. But every so often he gets a small view into what my world was like. Sunday night was one of those moments. He commented to me on the way home how weird it was that I didn't remember anything, and I told him that's what depression does. I was physically there, but mentally I was only partially there.
Part of the reason why I want to be as physically healthy as possible is because I don't want to be on anti-depressants forever, especially as Jason and I talk about starting a family. So I'm working on upping my endorphins and decreasing the meds.