Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Mental Health

I'm taking another day off of work today because as long as I'm sitting down, I'm ok, but I start feeling very woozy when I stand up and I didn't want to try to navigate the bus and the office feeling like this. The good news is, today I don't feel the need to sleep all day and I can actually concentrate enough to do some work. Yesterday was a lost day.

Speaking of lost days... On Sunday, Jason and I went over to the home of some friends of mine for a visit. They are in Virginia temporarily, preparing for a move to India, so while we were visiting one set of friends, I figured I should try to see this other set, since who knows when I'll have the chance to see them again. We spent a lot of time reminiscing about people we knew and things we did when we all lived in Chicago.

Only here's the thing - I don't remember a lot of it. Those 3 years in Chicago are a haze in large part. I remember some things, but other things are just a blank.

Same goes for the first year and a half of law school.

Midway through my 2nd year of law school, I started taking anti-depressants, and my world changed. Almost 2 weeks to the day after I started taking the pills, a switch clicked on in my brain and suddenly I was all there again. There's really no way to express how huge of a shift this was. After probably 5 years of living in a haze, the fog lifted. I understood what was going on. I actually felt happy. I was able to move on from a bad relationship.

I know that in large part Jason doesn't understand depression. I think he sees anti-depressants as a crutch, or, at best, a placebo. But every so often he gets a small view into what my world was like. Sunday night was one of those moments. He commented to me on the way home how weird it was that I didn't remember anything, and I told him that's what depression does. I was physically there, but mentally I was only partially there.

Part of the reason why I want to be as physically healthy as possible is because I don't want to be on anti-depressants forever, especially as Jason and I talk about starting a family. So I'm working on upping my endorphins and decreasing the meds.


CINDER said...

I agree with you 100%- depression has left blank spots in my life that no one understands except someone who has been through it- Thanks for sharing this

Joanne said...

Sorry to hear you've come down with a virus. I understand your point about depression. I had it when I was a teenager for a couple of years. I've mostly forgotten what it was like though, and find that sometimes I fall into Jason's view of it, but then every once-in-a-blue-moon a memory from that time will re-emerge and I'll have a sudden flash of feeling reminding me what it was like. It's real.

I hope you get over the virus soon though! Spring is on it's way - that should help!