I don't usually think of myself as much of an emotional eater. Sometimes I recgonize that I soothe myself with something tasty, but mostly, I eat from boredom and wanting something to do with myself. I can be very antsy and not want to sit still and snacking gives me something to do. Since I like food and food has always been a BIG part of my family's lives, it's what my mind turns to first when I'm bored. This is one of the reasons I crochet or play on my computer while I watch TV. Despite being fidgety, I'm not one of those skinny fidgety people because I consume calories as a result of my fidgetiness.
I got some bad news recently that has taken a bit of a toll on my hopefulness and confidence career-wise. Last night I went to the grocery store and on the way there I found myself thinking about all of the things I wanted to buy. Not the fruit and veggies and healthy foods that were on my list, but the yummy glowing rotisserie chicken leg quarters and a large container of deep dark chocolate ice cream.
Because I am fairly self-aware with regard to eating and eating disorders and unhealthy patterns and such, I recognized that immediately for what it was and frankly, it kind of stunned me. Right then, in that moment, food was what was going to make me feel better. Or at least that's what my head was telling me.
Once I got to the grocery store, I admit to lingering around the chicken, but I didn't even go into the ice cream aisle. It didn't help that I was actually hungry and knew I wouldn't be eating dinner for a couple of more hours. As soon as I got home I had a healthy snack and told myself that was ALL I was getting. No Thin Mint cookies sitting ever-so-temptingly on my shelf.*
So I'm proud of myself for staying on the straight and narrow, calorie-wise, but I was a little surprised at how readily my mind turned to food for solace. I don't know why I was so surprised since when I was neck-deep in depression I also happened to weigh 235 pounds. And my family is jam-packed with crummy relationships with food. Maybe I had hoped that somehow that particular quirk had passed me by.
I'm also proud of myself for meeting up with Jason and others, going to a Mexican restaurant and getting a salad, dressing on the side. I discovered that salsa is a pretty good salad dressing, actually.
*Speaking of which, I think this is the longest Girl Scout cookies have ever lasted in my home. I bought 3 boxes a month or so ago, and I just finished my box of Samoas** and am about a third of the way through the Thin Mints. I've been good at doling them out in portions on some random day when I let myself have a treat. Plus, truth be told, Jason ate about a third of the Samoas.
**Excuse me. Caramel Delites.