Where I've Been

I haven't written anything very substantive on my blogs for a little while now because I've been preoccupied.  I've been waiting until an appropriate time to share some news here, and in the meantime I've been drafting posts about what's been going on to post once I could talk about it.

But now there's nothing really to share except this: I'm waiting to have a miscarriage.

I've written a bit about our struggles to have a baby.  As of next January, we will have been trying for 3 years.  We've been to doctors and the problem has been figured out and essentially fixed, so we've only been really trying with everything working well for about 8 months or so.

In September we planned to do an IUI at the fertility clinic, only it seemed like I never ovulated, which is weird since I'm like clockwork.  Imagine my surprise a few weeks later when I got two positive pregnancy tests.  After all of the doctors and appointments and everything, we had done it on our own!

For the last month I've been experiencing pregnancy symptoms - all-day nausea, bloating, gas, sore boobs.  These things were irritating on one hand, and exciting on the other, because it meant I was growing a baby.

Only, no.

Thursday night, Jason and I went to the hospital for my first ultrasound.  I was 9 1/2 weeks pregnant, so we expected to see our teeny baby for the first time and to hopefully hear its heartbeat.  Instead, there was nothing.  A yolk sac, indicating that things had started out well, but no baby.  The fetus never grew.

The technician couldn't tell us what it meant, because that's not her place, but it was clear from her face, and painfully obvious that there was just no baby.

We left the hospital devastated.  At 9 1/2 weeks, I had already imagined telling family and friends in a few weeks.  I was so excited to be able to share this right before Christmas.  Based on the conception date, baby would have arrived around June 15, which meant having the summer to spend together.  I envisioned possibly, once I got coordinated enough, taking baby to sit on the beach with me.  We have had a dramatic shift in how we envisioned the next 8 months (and after) since Thursday night.

As much as I would like to close the chapter and have it end immediately, I'm just going to let nature take its course, which could take a couple of weeks. I spoke to my doctor on Friday afternoon and she was so kind.  She even gave me her cell phone number in case I need to talk.  I feel good about choosing her as my OB even though we've only interacted a couple of times.

Jason was emailing with a friend on Friday, and it must have been on his mind because she's expecting a baby, and so he told her.  It turns out the same thing happened to her and her husband.  She went in for the ultrasound at 9 weeks, and nothing was there.  I honestly didn't know this was even a possibility.  I thought if there was something wrong like that, surely you miscarried much sooner than almost 10 weeks.  I can't say that I'm glad it happened to her too, because it's terrible, but it's nice to feel not so alone.

Which is really why I am writing about this.  The more I talk about fertility issues, the more I realize we have lots of friends who have also struggled with having a baby.  And the more we discuss miscarriage, the more friends we realize have also dealt with this.  No one talks about these things, because they are personal and the hurt is deep, but it's nice to know we're not alone.  Knowing there's a friend I can email when I am sad or if things get hard over the next couple of weeks who knows what I am feeling, is really a comfort to me.

I'm supposed to be 10 weeks today, but I'm just waiting for it to end.  We're going to try again, of course, but today we are sad.