Friday, July 14, 2006

Where Have I Been?

I think the status of this blog kind of reflects the status of my whole weight loss endeavor. As of late the issue of weight loss has garnered nothing more than a big fat, "Meh" from me. I mean, I still look at my overly-rounded body and cellulite and wish it would all just go away, but I'm not feeling all inspired anymore to make it happen.

I worked out 3 times this week and since I'm in Boston for the rest of the week that will be it, unless we go swimming at Walden Pond, which I'm trying to talk Jason into doing, in which case if I swim around a whole bunch maybe I can count that as a smidge of exercise. I worked out 2 times last week because I was out of town until mid-week and then had to work a lot to make up hours. I plan to work out 4 or 5 times next week.

Of couse, considering it's supposed to be something insane like 110 heat-indexed degrees in Boston on Sunday and Jason has no AC, I may just be sweating off all my excess weight this weekend.

I really do like the working out, particularly on the evenings when TBS is showing two episodes of Friends and I completely lose track of how long I've been ellipticalling because it's the one where everyone finds out about Monica and Chandler and Phoebe cracks me up. I lke the endorphins. I like feeling fit and achey and powered-up and exhausted to the core in that great post-workout way.

However, my desire to eat heatlhy is just not there right now. I've been eating sushi and salads for dinner and cutting way back on the carbs (like eating the buld-your-own barbecue chicken sandwich provided by the caterer at work with no bun and only a smidge of barbecue sauce). However, I've also snagged a corner of a brownie here and there just because they look good and I have the munchies and I'm bored bored bored at work. On the days when I'm out and about running errands or being social with friends, I don't even realize when I haven't eaten. All of a sudden my stomach is growling lke crazy and it occurs to me that on a normal day I would have eaten three hours earlier.

Usually during the summer I am all about the fruit and the veggies and the healthy eating because it's all light and cool and lovely for the summer months. I want hearty/fattening foods more during the winter when I'm all wrapped up in bulky sweaters and coats anyway. Maybe it's because I'm surrounded by air conditioning all the time now, both at work and at home, that the desire to keep my food light and fresh isn't there this year.

Or maybe I'm just bored and unmotivated with it all. I know I will never be a size 6. Today at Ann Taylor Loft I bought 2 medium shirts. I bought a size 14 skirt at Old Navy and one at H&M. There is a large part of my brain that is thinking that here I am, almost 30, needing to find some direction in my life career-wise, and I feel like maybe this really is the best I can do with my body because I'm just feeling tired of it all. Maybe my thighs will always be cellulitey and I'll always be trying to hide my stomach roll. I haven't been satisfied with my body since I was 10 years old. So basically I've been beating myself up about how I look for two-thirds of my life.

That's a lot of energy I've devoted to feeling crappy about myself.

Maybe I need to shift my focus. I like working out. I don't like bingeing on bad food. Well, that's kind of a lie. I like it WHILE I'm eating that half a pint of Haagen-Daaz. Afterwards I'm not so thrilled. So maybe for right now, while I'm working my boring job and am never at home to prepare a meal and am moving in two weeks, maybe I need to just go to the gym and eat well and not beat myself up for every little slip-up, imagining each bite of ice cream attaching itself visibly to my hips like in those Nutri Grain bar commercials.

My waist measures less than 35 inches and I have a low resting heart rate (54-60) so I'm not really concerned about my heart-health. I know that I am muscley so if I was just solely flab I'd probably weigh 10-20 pounds less than I do. Maybe not that much, but less anyway.

I need to figure out a way to be healthy and to not be mad at myself for my unhealthy moments. I need to figure out how to be healthy without it feeling like such a chore. I need to figure out a way to avoid the brownie when I'm bored in my office and my little brain decides to focus on the brownie calling to me from the kitchen (or the Frosty calling to me from Wendy's).

4 comments:

LME said...

I absolutely could've written this post. I love working out, but have just not been making the effort lately. And I get so tired of saying no to myself about food. I wish I could just be like the fictional normal person in my head who doesn't have an effed up relationship to food. But I know that this "normal person" that doesn't have that is really a fiction.

Sigh.

Usually Happy said...

It's sad but about 90% of all women feel depressed about their weight their whole life. I realized a while back that I don't want to look back on my life and know I spent 60+ years being sad and depressed about my body. But it's one thing to realize it and another to actually apply it. One thing I want to do is post these celebrity pictures above my scale so I'll realize I never want to wind up like that! Gross! Curvy is definitely better.
http://people.aol.com/people/gallery/0,26335,1210639_1,00.html

FB said...

Maybe there is a place between where you think your body should be, and where "it" wants to be, and you can meet it in the middle? You sound like you are healthy, a few changes and regular exercise might make you happy with your weight?

Still in Boston? Walk the Freeodm Trail, just bring plenty of water!

Regina said...

It's totally sad that most American women don't like our bodies, even thin women, and the feeling really borders on self-hatred. I like what this article has to say on the subject. And not to be the article fairy, but I recently reached my weightloss goal and this article describes the most important tool I used.